“Argue early and argue often!”
Are you lucky enough to be part of a pair? Are you equally fortunate to have good communication with your partner about money? Not everyone can say yes! Discussing money can be the source of tension for many couples.
How do you resolve money issues with your partner? How do you approach your finances and your life as team? I spoke with Him and Her of the personal finance blog Make Love, Not Debt. Here’s what they had to say about managing money together.
Make Love Not Debt is a “couple” driven personal finance blog. Was there a defining moment where you said to yourselves, “we ought to keep a blog” or “dang… we need to really get hold of our finances”?
Her: The defining moment was the night my first student loan bill arrived. The monthly payment was staggering, over $1,000. On top of that I had maxed out several credit cards and carried balances on many store cards. My monthly minimum payment finally exceeded my income – by a LOT. There was no way I was going to be able to continue the financial charade anymore. Around midnight, I finally broke down sobbing and confessed the amount of my debt to Him. That night he gave me an ultimatum: take responsibility and clean this mess up, or our relationship was over. Obviously, I knew what I had to do.
Him: The blog part came about a year later. I had somewhat of a handle on finances, but nowhere near the level in which I wanted to be at. I found myself reading personal finance blogs, of which there were not that many at the time. I noticed a lack of blogs that (1) reported a negative net worth, (2) had a couple-based team, and (3) wrote about finances from our angle.
Does the blog open up the conversation about money or your values? Was it easy to discuss money before starting the blog?
Her: The blog definitely opens up the conversation because we both often write stream-of-consciousness posts, often before we’ve discussed the issue together. So I frequently find out what Him is thinking by reading the blog. Then it’s easy to say, “Oh, I liked that post you wrote today, I think that’s a great idea” and take it from there. Before the blog, it was harder to discuss money. When you’re writing something, you can start to predict whether readers will agree with you or not, and then you can think about money from a less biased perspective. So we argue less and talk more now.
Him: Blogging has forced us to really take in what the rest of the personal finance community is saying. In doing that, we learn a great deal from others’ perspectives. We often discuss applying others’ ways of doing things into our own personal finance management.
As a couple you guys seem to have a his/hers/ours approach. By that I mean you keep money in three categories… as individuals and a joint account. What made you choose this approach?
Her: I wanted to take this approach because I needed a small amount of freedom to make my own purchases without being judged. It helps us avoid fights over $3.00 purchases. It also makes it possible for us to surprise each other with gifts.
Him: Agreed. If I want to blow money on crappy kung-fu movies, then that’s my choice. But we also realize the value of building a future together, therefore we keep a joint account.
Would you, (or did you?) ever try combining your money into one joint account? Why?
Her: We have never had a combined account, and I doubt we ever will. We tend to disagree on which small purchases are important. I like to buy a coffee every morning, while Him has a turkey sandwich addiction. I find it charming now, but if the turkey sandwiches were coming out of “our” account then I might not think it was so cute.
Him: Nah. The personal accounts gives us a lot of freedom. That’s what helps make our relationship with each other work so well.
What’s the thing about money that your partner does that drives you crazy?
Her: Him has repeatedly tried to convince me to sell my few individual shares of corporate stock. These were my first investments ever and I have an emotional attachment to them. I never want to part with them!
Him: She doesn’t sell her shares of individual stock.
Have you noticed any “money quirks” about your partner that you didn’t notice earlier in your relationship?
Her: I am still amazed at what Him and his family consider a reasonable amount to spend on dinner at a restaurant. I didn’t notice this until we started treating his family to dinner, and one meal could cost our entire month’s grocery budget.
Him: Her tends to spend first, ask questions later. Sometimes the answer to that question is, “No, we don’t need that. Have fun returning it.”
When you disagree about how to spend money, what happens?
Her: Generally when we disagree on spending it means we need to save up a bit more until we are both comfortable with the expense. For example, I want to purchase a dining room set, but Him isn’t comfortable spending the money right now. I have agreed to wait until the wedding is over and we can save up some more money.
Him: Yeah, we generally find ways to work it out. That, or we wrestle in jello, and whoever gets pinned has to buy what the other person wants.
What advice would you give couples who argue about money?
Her: Try to set aside an evening each month to have a “State of the Union” talk. Use friendly body language and surround yourselves with things that comfort you, like pets and a nice snack. Work together to keep the conversation focused on finances, and keep the kitchen sink out of it!
Him: Argue early and argue often! When arguing about money, be sure to listen! If Her and I never argued about money, I don’t really think we’d really know what we’d want to spend our money on.
Thanks Him and Her! Got a significant other and money topics to discuss? You can start by reading Make Love Not Debt and see how Her and Him navigate the very real road of “our” finances. You can also find a group here that matches your individual (or couple-driven) Goals.
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