A few weeks ago I received an e-mail from a close family friend in England. The subject read…“A seniors revenge!…Make sure you read this!” Obviously I was intrigued but then again, thought maybe it was just a forward. Either way this e-mail was pretty fun! Still not sure or not if it is true…but check it out…

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact).
8 - To return to the main menu and listen to options 1 through 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

Again I’m not sure if this is true, but I feel as though all of us would love to do this every once and a while when our banks drive us crazy!

Photo: Mike - England

What are your beauty-care expenses compared to Strawberry Shortcake’s makeover? Your Friday kitsch fix thanks to our partners at MainStreet.com.

–
The Shocking Cost If Strawberry Shortcake’s Makeover Was Real
By Jessica Wakeman and Mellissa Seecharan

In the grand tradition of aging actresses and socialites everywhere, American Greetings’ (AM) lovable ‘80s kitsch icon Strawberry Shortcake is getting a total makeover. But it’s not just her pinafore-and-dress ensemble that is changing. It looks like Shortcake may have had a few nips and tucks, too.

Button-big brown eyes, a face full of freckles, and her mop of red curls, are so two decades ago. The Shortcake of 2008 favors long, hot pink locks, bright green eyes, and a more fabulous outfit than her bloomers of yore.

And, her makeover goes beyond the work of a stylist, hair iron and tinted contacts, says Scott W. Mosser, MD, a board-certified plastic surgeon in San Francisco, Calif. In fact, Mosser says, Shortcake looks to have had a complete facial reconstruction.

“This is not a rejuvenation. The nose is completely different, her eyes are different shapes,” he says of the old and new dolls. “Most people want a subtle update, not a fundamental change to what they look like.”

Between the hair, the eyes, clothes and nose, Dr. Mosser thinks Shortcake’s new look is much too extreme for real life because it’s so obvious, like that makeover TV show The Swan (NWS).

What kind of work did Strawberry Shortcake get done, and how much would such a makeover cost in real life?

Click here to discover what Strawberry Shortcake had to pay to be pretty - or what you’d have to pay if you want to look like her.

Have you ever thought this? Or wondered why every time you go out to eat with you-know-who the bill, plus tip, comes up short? Or maybe you’ve got another awkward social money moment? This is the book for you.

“Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check: Dealing with All of the Trickiest Money Problems Between Family and Friends — from Serial Borrowers to Serious Cheapskates” by Jeanne Fleming and Leonard Schwarz takes a humorous yet helpful turn on what to do about all sorts of problems.

For example (page 90):

We can’t afford to return a favor.
When you need to reciprocate a rich friend’s generous hospitality.

Advises Fleming and Schwarz:

“Stop thinking you can’t reciprocate, because you can. Your obligation is not to treat your friend to something of equal value, but to treat him to something thoughtful that he’ll enjoy…[The] point here is not to that you need to match [his] hospitality dollar for dollar. Rather, it’s the disparity in your resources doesn’t free you from your obligation to entertain [him] as thoughtfully as he’s been entertaining you.”

For me, this book brought up some sticky situations I hadn’t even considered. For example, what do you do if your neighbors intentionally annex part of your property to make theirs look more valuable? Or other neighbors keep their homes such a mess it draws down the value of your own?

More comforting was the realization of how common it is to have great financial disparity between relatives. Turns out it’s pretty common to have rich aunts or poor cousins (or vice-versa) all in the same family. What kind of tension can that bring? How do you handle it? And even if no one likes to talk about it, what happens when one adult sibling makes considerably more or less than the other?

What are your money problems? Confess them publicly or privately in Geezeo’s Money Confessions. Or, write D. Expert, our resident expert on all manner of monetary b.o. His advice stinks but he usually finds the right person to answer your question. Finally, don’t overlook the Geezeo groups — there are a lot of patient ears just waiting to hear your perspective on most things social or financial.

Breaking news!

Is it impossible to catch up on pop culture AND manage your money life at the same time? No! No longer!… Here’s one of the best ideas, ever. Check out MainStreet.com.

Think: take some of our nation’s national obsessions (like Britney Spears) and bringing her headlines back with relevance to your wallet. Did that concept just blow your mind, or what? Suddenly, this personal finance stuff isn’t so boring…(and we thought Geezeo was the only “fun” money place!)

Some samples:

Gary Coleman’s wedding — how can you prepare for a wedding or life partnership?

Britney Spears ditches court appearances (again) — how can you prepare for child custody or support?

NY Giants Win the Superbowl — how can you put a financial windfall to good use?

Right on, Mainstreet.com. We were getting lonely being the only “fun” money site around!

The above is a shot of my hometown, historic Staunton, Virginia’s main street (photo: StauntonGrocery.com)

The parents of a Northwestern student who just headed back from holiday received this letter:

Dear Mom and Dad,

Univer$ity life i$ $o wonderful! Cla$$e$ this $e$$ion are intere$ting, my cla$$mate$ are the be$t!

But after $pending all my ca$h on Chri$tma$ pre$ent$, I am in a little need for $ome $pending money for book$ and $uch. But don’t want to $end the wrong $ignal$ home.

Love
Your $on

After deliberating a while, this was the draft of their appropriate response:

Dear Son,

NOt much to NOtice here on the NOrth side of town since you left for NOrthwestern. NObody doing NOthing NOble.

Enjoyed having you home for Thanksgiving in NOvember and Christmas. NOthing is the same since you left.

Loved your NOte; write aNOther one when you have time.

Have to go NOw.

Mom & Dad

The potheads in #5 moved out last week.

They left some interesting items which I salvaged for my own use. (No, not of the green variety). Take a look at this set of ceramic rabbits. Is it just me, or do they look a little baked? Perhaps a touch paranoid, a bit spacey?

10 Financial Lessons Learned from Potheads:

10. Dude… numbers are, like…the core circulation system of this universe!

9. If your reserves run low, deny you had anything to do with it.

8. Know that it is super easy to forget what you spent your money on…

7. Let’s get some pancakes!

6. Share. But…

5. Make sure your stash is kept in a safe place.

4. Save some for a rainy day.

3. Save some for when you’re old and blind. You’ll really appreciate it then.

2. Dude…No, seriously… dude…

the number one reason: Its always best to pay with cash.

~FINE PRINT FROM THE LAWYERS: Obviously, the opinions stated in the Geezeo blog do not reflect the views of The Company, its readers, and anyone with delicate eyeballs who might inadvertently glance at this material while looking for porn. Geezeo does not condone illegal drugs. Or hacky sack. Or dancing bears, for that matter.~